Nah und Fern.

~

I found myself lost in Gas for what seemed like an eternity.

I spent months wandering around the forest, lost and confused. Often scared, always overwhelmed. It made me feel alive but brought me down to Earth like nothing else ever has. But it is never this Earth; it is always another, a strange alteration of this one. A hyper-real, infinitely intense world – A world that feels like it could tear itself asunder at any moment, that all it would take would be a single misplaced footstep or the slightest of knocks to throw the world out of balance. It is a distorted world, twisted in such a way that you wouldn’t know that it were at first glance. You would need time. How much time, I cannot say. You would need to look hard, harder than you ever have in this world, and study your surroundings. Only then do you notice the shifting in the fabric and the hightened intensity of your surroundings: the colour, the shape, the air against your skin.  I felt always off-kilter. My shoulders were burdened with the feelings and emotions of others, people whom I’d never met, people whom I wasn’t sure had ever existed. People whom I wasn’t sure would ever exist. I didn’t know if I wanted to escape. I didn’t know if I ever needed to escape.

Occasionally I dip my big toe back into the lukewarm, glass-like water and I see my reflection. But it is always distorted, always misshapen in ways I can never comprehend.

I now find myself perpetually scared by Gas. I am scared because I know just how easily I could get lost all over again.

Mus Martis.

~

wonderful

Flight.

~

It took me less than a half a day to read this book. This is somewhat to do with the fact that it’s only a modest 112 pages long, but mostly to do with the fact that it was glorious from start to finish. Not once did my mind drift off to think of other things as it so often does when reading, a true fault of mine.

This book has bolstered my opinion that airports are truly some of the most beautiful places on Earth. To the average Joe an airport may seem to be nothing more than a means to an end, but I see them as a microcosm, a snapshot of our society contained within a shell of glass and steel. From the joy that is a child running from the arrivals gate to be re-united with his father once again, to the despair of a weeping couple who will soon be separated by several thousand miles of sky, water and earth, this book studies the most human aspects of our airports through a macro lens, all the while questioning and, in some respects, reminding the reader of why we travel in the first place.

If you were asked to take a Martian to visit a single place that captures all the themes running through the modern world – from our faith in technology to our destruction of nature, from our interconnectedness to our romanticising of travel – then you would almost certainly have to head to an airport. Airports, in all their turmoil, interest and beauty, ate the imaginative centres of our civilisation.

Sussudio.

~

‘In Too Deep’ by Phil Collins plays in the background.

Do you like Phil Collins? I’ve been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn’t understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins’ presence became more apparent. I think Invisible Touch was the group’s undisputed masterpiece. It’s an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums.

Christy, take off your robe.

Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument.

Sabrina, remove your dress.

In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, the sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism.

Sabrina, why don’t you, uh, dance a little.

Take the lyrics to Land of Confusion. In this song, Phil Collins addresses the problems of abusive political authority. In Too Deep is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as anything I’ve heard in rock.

Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole.

Phil Collins’ solo career seems to be more commercial and therefore more satisfying, in a narrower way. Especially songs like In the Air Tonight and Against All Odds.

Sabrina, don’t just stare at it, eat it.

But I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist, and I stress the word artist. This is Sussudio, a great, great song, a personal favorite.

~

A half-life.


07:45

I wake with a terrible hangover, a splintering headache, a strong sense of regret, embarassment and an awkward feeling in my stomach that I can’t seem to shift.

08:15

Unsettled glances across the living room.

“I’ll see you after work.”

The door slams shut. Bloody thing’s always slammed nomatter how gently I try to close it. The people below must hate me.

Back to sleep.

10:00

Start. All Programs. Steam.

Username: Cohaagen
Password: ******

Half-Life 2, starred, Metascore: 96.

Right-click. Launch Half-Life 2.

12:15

Stomach is paining me. Time to put the kettle on. Food: a luxury I can scarcely afford.

Or can I?

CTRL+D
CTRL+SHIFT+F

Firefox.

Bookmarks. Personal. Online Banking.

Balance: -£1,650.00
Available Balance: £0.00

No. No I can’t.

Earl Grey again. The bergamot makes my stomach churn and my brain tick over. It’s all I have. Back to my desk, Gordon Freeman’s right hand bobs from left to right. The tea is lukewarm now. I gulp it down. The longer it stays in my mouth the worse it tastes.

My stomach groans.

13:00

A phonecall.

13:30

A second phonecall. My heart has sunk. Back to sleep.

ALT+F4
CTRL+ALT+Delete

Tab. Hibernate Computer. Space.

~

That was the worst day.

I tried playing Half-Life 2 again today. I couldn’t last for any longer than fifteen minutes. It was too much.

Far too much.

Oh dear.

I ‘like’ Barack Obama on Facebook and as a result, I receive updates from him. Most of them are just talking about his policies and what he wants to achieve, but today he posted;

To those celebrating Diwali in India, I look forward to visiting you over the next few days. And to all those who will celebrate this joyous occasion on Friday, I wish you, your families, and loved ones happy Diwali and Saal Mubarak.

Fair enough, I suppose.

So I scrolled down through the comments but immediately stopped scrolling when I saw this;

I THANKS,so much” MR.PRESIDENT”,and your family with joys&happiness, you the best one of the fienst person in” U S A” AND ”WORLD HAS SEEN” ,your abillitis, leadershipans competence persnalitis that you are not just some smol minded” …AMERICAN POLITICION!!!you are gret ” PRESIDENT”!!!OF U S A.we will support you I AM MILLIONS %%%%% 2012 is” YOURS!!!!!NO ONE CAN TAKE IT YOUR PLACE !!YOU WILL BE SAME RE-ELECT 2012!!! …YOU ARE THE ONE SO YOUNG…CHANGE HISTORY OF” U S A’. I wish you at the BEST comming year’s…”GOOD LUCK!!!to you & your family,”U S A”!!!!have safe trip to india..well come home safe!!!you are winner and successfull ” COMMING” 2012 will be yours no metter what!!!! I WILL PRAY FOR YOU,YOUR FAMILY …..””.GOD BLESS AMERICA””!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10/10 for enthusiasm.

Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable (moan).

On a bland, uninteresting and rather tiresome note, an email was sent to me at work today. The email was to do with stats and bonuses and whatnot, nothing more than an attempt by one of my colleagues to whip us all into a frenzy and get us to sell as many units as possible.

The email ended thus;

Cheers guys and lets all have a good month! this is our x-mas booze money bonus after all!!!

There are a number of things wrong with this (no capital letters at the beginnings of sentences, using ‘x-mas’ instead of Christmas and a gross misuse of punctuation) but I’m not going to go into those today, oh no.

My problem is with the premise on which this email closes. I don’t particularly enjoy being lumped in with people at the best of times, but when it implies that the most important thing for me is earning money to get drunk with then I’m not really best pleased. I don’t really mind when emails are sent about encouraging people to do their best in work, but I certainly don’t think that the way to motivate people is to dangle booze in front of their noses. I work in a fairly relaxed office; casual dress, music playing from time-to-time and so on, but even still a level of professionalism should be maintained. Not only that, but I think it says a lot about;

  • The person who wrote the email; clearly their priorities couldn’t be further from my own.
  • The people I work with; if these people are motivated by this kind of thing then this just makes me feel even more distanced from them.

Maybe I’m being pathetic, petty and down-right dull. Maybe I just need to man-up and learn to enjoy drinking more.

Sigh.

Look at me go, moaning about people who just want to have a good time.

I’m

so

shit.